Monday, December 20, 2010

There is nothing I do better than REVENGE!!

This upcoming Tuesday is my Cosmetology's Christmas party. At this Christmas party we will be having a "White Elephant" gift give away. For a while I couldn't come up with any ideas for a gift UNTIL.... Friday. On Friday my very skilled instructor Roger insulted me, he insulted me in a bad way. Now he is my instructor so I cannot say anything rude back, nor can I behave as teenagers do in modern day films such as: MEAN GIRS, so I what I have done is Brilliant, classy, and can in no way be considered rude. I wrote some awful-ly funny DATING TIPS to give away at the white elephant game, that say they are written by Roger.  Here are my tips I wrote:

Dating Tips by Roger:
1-       When a young man asks you out on a date, be sure to get his home phone number (along with his cell phone number), it is important that you get this information so you can call his mom later that night, pretending to be the school shrink. You need to know what you are getting into, so be prepared to ask VERY personal questions, for example: Does “Ronald” still wet the bed?(If the answer is “Yes”, know that dating him will involve talking in “baby voices” from time-to-time and his mother being the third wheel on all of your dates.) Have you ever seen “Ronald” playing with Barbie’s? (If the answer is “Yes”, congratulations! You have just found your new gay BFF!) Have you ever caught “Ronald” with inappropriate videos or reading material? (If the answer is “Yes” be sure to cover yourself up on your first date, to insure that he likes you for you. I would also advise bringing pepper spray with you for now on.)

2-      After interviewing his mother you must stalk his every move on facebook of the last six months. You need to know who his best friends are (to see if you would rather date them instead), what his interests are (so you can pretend to be interested in the same things), and if he was in any relationships during those six months (it is very important to know if he has any emotional baggage before diving into things). If after these two steps you are still interested in this boy, facebook stalk his mom. Doing this may be helpful to finding baby pictures of him, allowing you to morph his and your pictures together to see what your future children will look like.

3-      When preparing for your night out with the possible  “prince charming” remember these three things: 1- Never shower the day of a date, men are hunters and enjoy smelling the natural aroma of women. (I am not saying that you shouldn’t wear deodorant, because you should, but you want to startle his senses, causing him to lean closer to you, and NOT throwing up in your lap.) 2- You have recently seen pictures of his mother on facebook, now copy the way she does her hair and make-up. This will make the young man feel natural around you, insuring a second date.) 3- Do not wear heals on the first date! I am sure you have watched “She’s the Man” (my favorite movie), in this movie you learn that “Heals are a man’s invention to keep women from running away and to make their butt look bigger.” This is true. There are psycho’s everywhere and you do not want to be unable to runaway, you must be able to protect yourself. Now regarding the “bigger butt” concept, on a first date you do not want to be considered a piece of meat or he will not take you seriously as a future girlfriend.)

4-      When he picks you up, be sure to have your dad or older brother there to open the door, carrying a loaded shot gun or a very sharp sword.  Be sure they say NOTHING to him but stare piercingly into his soul. (They are however aloud to nod and spit.) We want him to know that if he breaks your heart, your family will break him. (Doing this may seem risky, but I reassure you; if this young lad is worth a sack of beans, he will treat you like the princess you are. See also: “Cleaning this Gun” sung by Rodney Atkins.)

5-      Now, when you get to the car if this young boy does NOT open the door for you, turn around, march back into your house and say “Did you forget how to be a gentleman? Lets try this again.” He will walk back to your door, feeling like an idiot but his respect for you will be reaching the stars and believe me, he will never forget this, and will forever more open the door for you and his future dates.

6-      When you get into the car ask what the plans are for the evening. If he has plans, nod approvingly like a bobble head doll (this will show him your excitement and will remind him of baseball, the true American sport, proving to him that you are a true American girl, MEN LOVE THAT!) If he asks what you want to do, reenact the scene from “John Tucker Must Die” (My second favorite movie) by saying “What do you think I want? And don’t be wrong!” He will know right then that he is taking you to a five star restaurant and that you control the zipper in this relationship (which holds far more power than the pants).

7-       When having arrived at the restaurant, open your menu and begin scanning for the priciest meal there, once the meal is spotted, order it! You do this so he knows how classy you are. (The only drawback in doing this is that later that night you may have to “put out” this involves using tongue, NOTHING MORE! Also be careful that he does not order anything with garlic because you will be the one getting the second taste of it later). TIP: after eating be sure to check teeth for spinach, if you are lucky the restaurant will have free tooth picks at the front, be sure to grabs one.

8-      If your date involves any other activities after your meal, this is the time in the evening when you allow him to feel like he is in charge. You want to be as needy as possible! Constantly call him “Ronald-bear”, “Ronnie-boo” or “sweet cheeks”, he will eat it up! As you are pretending to be as helpless as possible be sure to trip a few times. If he doesn’t see you fall, be sure to lay there, acting unconscious.  The fact that he did not seeing you fall means he has something else on his mind and you want to have his full attention. You being injured will help, it will also make him feel as if he is your protector and men enjoy feeling like the leader of the pack.)

9-      On the drive home grab his hand and caress it playfully until you reach your destination. When he parks the care you may want to say something witty like “Your Biceps are huge! Kiss me!” (This line will work 99% of the time… I learned it from  the movie “House Bunny”) You do not want to be macking on this boy for very long because 1- Chances are your parents are watching, 2-You don’t want to get a hickey after the first date, and 3-No one wants to buy the cow if the milk is free! Bid the boy a swell evening and be sure to tell him “thank you”. It is also acceptable to mouth the words “call me” as he is pulling out of your drive way.

10-  Expect him to text you as soon as he gets home to flirt with you because he didn’t want the night to end. If he doesn’t don’t be let down.  Remember: Always play hard to get! The easiest way to do that is by texting him the next day saying “I have plans tonight with your best friend Bo and I can’t wait! …The only way I’d cancel on him is if you wanted to make out or something…” If for some reason you begin seeing him out with another girl, don worry! You still have his mother’s number! Block your number, call her up, and let her know her son is dating a skank. Sending him directly back into your arms!

       If you or any of your friends have any other questions my number is:  555-0539
Hope this helps--- Rog!