Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dear John... Whoops, I mean Chad!!!

Dear Chad,

How's the mtc? Eh, don't answer that. I don't really care. Honestly, I'm just writing you to give you a reality check. Here it goes:

It shouldn't come as a shock to you that I have found someone else. Well, really, he found me. I guess he just couldn't resist. Who can blame him?

We met the day you left, actually. And shared our first kiss that same night. The next day, he told me he loved me at the exact spot that you declared your love to me as well. (Although it took MONTHS for you to say this to me. Clearly, he is more of a man than you.)

His name is Chad. What are the odds? Quite frankly he is a ba-zillion times more attractive than you AND a better kisser, if I might add. Not that I want to pour salt in your wound or anything.

We've decided to get married. I, of course, want a long engagement so that Chad will have time to earn enough money to buy me the ring I deserve. We're getting married July 25th, 2012. What? That's your birthday? Hmm. Get over it.

Chad wanted me to prove to him that I love him more than I ever loved you, so it only makes sense that we are sealed together for eternity, on the day that you celebrate your birth. Obviously, now, you will have nothing to celebrate, without me in your life. Since I was your EVERYTHING and all.

I just want you to know that I am not giving back the wedding ring you gave me. I'm going to sell it on Ebay and use the money to book mine and Chad's honeymoon.

I'm sure your heart is broken into a million pieces by reading this. I would hate to be you right now and have to deal with not having ME be apart of your life any more.

You'll probably never recover from this. Or be able to love again. I almost feel bad that you will go threw out your life mourning the loss of me. But then I think about how happy Chad and I are together, and I cant be sad about it!

Things have really worked out for me since you've been on your mission and I know that it was the right thing for you to do. My happiness is proof of that.

Well, I guess that's all I really have to say. I hope the mtc doesn't run out of tissues, since you will be balling your eyes out and all.

Before I end this letter, I would like to leave you with a spiritual thought. Moroni 10:22 "And if ye have no hope ye must be in despair." I'm sorry but there is no hope of you and I ever getting back together. I'm sure being in the depths of despair isn't that bad... Emo's do it all the time! And in a weird, creepy way... They seem to be okay with it!

Best of luck out in the mission field. Try to focus on serving the Lord.

Sincerely, Mrs. Better off without you!

..... Hahaha! Chad, I hope you like your "Dear John" letter from me!!! How is the mtc?? I really do want to know lol!! I hope you are enjoying yourself, I also hope this letter brightens your day! Congrats on being dumped in the mission field! You are now officially a HUMBLE servant of the Lord!! ;)

I'm so excited for my mission! Be sure to give me all the mission details!! Just in case you forgot I report to the mtc Oct 19th! I look forward to hearing from you!
Your friend, Britney Kay!! :)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Helpful hints From Twlight.

Things I have I learned from Twlight:

If you want someone to fall in love with you, tell them that you crave their blood. No one can resist.

If you want people to be facinated by you, be completely and utterly boring. It works everytime.

Going on a date is when your boyfriend forces you onto his back, climbs tree's and attempts to fly. Its a great trust builder.

You know he is the one when he *SPARKLES!* Its so manly.

If your best friend is extremely attractive, loves you unconditionally, and is willing to always do what is best for you... DONT date him.

To impress someone convince them that you can hear everyone's most personal thoughts, everyone BUT them. Reassure them that its because they are "different", in a good way. (Be sure to look at them like they are extremely puzzling to you. Its a turn on.)

If you want them to like your family, have your sister pretend to see the future and know beyond all doubt that they will become best friends. This will put her at ease if your brother tries to kill her, it cancels out all weirdness.

You should want to change everything about yourself for your significant other.

Your boyfriend should want to stay up every night to watch you sleep. Him knowing that you snore and slobber will bring you closer as a couple.

WOW. My life is now more meaningful. Hope yours is too. Thank you Stephannie Meyers.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Reasons to have a Boyfriend.

Usually, I think having a boyfriend would be complete nonsense, but today I actually realized there MIGHT be a few perks to having a man!

·         Have you ever tried dipping apple slices into caramel, while working on your homework? It is really tough! Your fingers get sticky, caramel gets all over your homework, and it takes forever to satisfy your desire for correct apple to caramel ratio and figuring out your chemistry homework!

Reason #1 to have a boyfriend…. He could feed you caramel dipped apples while you study your brains out! Now, that’s ROMANCE!

·         Awful story: The other day I had an itch on my back! I know, awful right?  Now there are two types of itches that can occur on the back: #1- When the itch on your back is where you can reach it, so it’s not really a problem, just a pain (in the back… hahaha!. I’m hilarious!)  And #2- When the itch is on the center of your back and no matter how hard you try, you can't reach it!!! Now, in this story, it just happened to be a itch #2 …. It was awful! (Not to be confused with a regular #2, you know, toilet-talk terminology!) Any way--- There was no one there to scratch my back for me! Making it worse! I felt like the T-Rex from the Disney movie Meet the Robinson’s, I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not sure how well this plan was thought through.”

Reason #2 to have a boyfriend….. You could call him at random times and have him come over and scratch your back for you! He would be like…. Your knight in shining armor!

·         Have you ever had one of those nights when your roommates tell you that you have no friends and you’re a loser? And then you hear about a party and you have to go alone because you don’t know anyone who would actually want to be seen in public with you? (Awkward silence.) No...??? Oh, well this happens to me all the time.

Reason #3 to have a boyfriend…. You would have someone to crash parties with you, go rollerblading with you, and put jig-saw puzzles together with you WHENEVER you wanted!!! And all you would have to do is practice lip exercises with him. Sounds like a good deal to me! (Yes, I know, I’m sketchy! I apologize for those youngsters out there reading this blog…I should have warned you that it was rated PG-13.)

At this point in my list making, I couldn’t think of any other reasons of why having a guy around would be nice, but I did actually think of one more! (Weird, right? It was surprising to me too!)  

·         We’ve all has those night where we’re too lazy to cook anything, even though we’re hungry! And we want to watch a movie …. But we’ve seen every single one’s we brought to college with us and we don’t want to leave our house to rent one! Do you know what comes in handy at a time like that???
Reason #4 to have a boyfriend …. When you have a boyfriend…Most likely when you tell this, they will bring you dinner (Usually Mac & Cheese or a hamburger from McDonald’s) and a movie! Hopefully something romantic, so you can snuggle! If your boyfriend is a keeper… We’re talking about grade “A” marriage material here.. (And there isn’t a lot of those “possibly future husbands” left in the world…. But just in case this does happen, you should know….) If he brings you ice cream when you’re having one of these nights….. Marry him.

If you do marry him, let me know, I’ll write you a list of reasons why it’s good to have a husband. (If you thinking “She’s not married, she doesn’t know anything about marriage! She cant write me a list!”… MY REPLY:  “I’ll Google it!”)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Unknown Truths of Dating Myths

For decades there have been lies roaming the universe and today I am going to take the time to set a few of the records straight.

LIE #1: Girls must prove to the world that they are good looking and not a waste of space, by getting married by the age of 19. If you do not achieve this you become socially unacceptable, shunned at family gatherings, and daily asked the question, "So, are you dating anyone?"

LIE #2: If you are not dating someone then you have absolutely nothing else going on. In fact, since apparently you have no life, you should put your life aka nothingness on hold to find someone to start procreating with.

LIE #3: By the age of 24 you should be finished creating your family AND expecting your second grandchild.

LIE # 4: If for some BIZARE reason you are not married and are without child, your home should be infested with cats. Allergic to cats? GET THEM ANYWAY! You’re not married, you deserve to be miserable.

Now, here it goes! I'm going to lay it all out on the line for you, so PAY.ATTENTION!!! HERE IS THE TRUTH!!!

#1- You can get married at any time. Getting married sooner or later in life DOES NOT MATTER!!! Two people having chemistry is all coincidence and falling in love is an accident. You cannot force this to happen or to hurry. It will happen when it happens. (Fact: You are still an amazing human being if you are not married; don’t let the world feel otherwise.)

#2- If someone’s answer is "No," when asked if they are in a relationship that does not mean they aren't going out and accomplishing their dreams! So don't act disappointed when they inform you that they are single-- IT’S RUDE! Getting a career, finishing schooling, working, and making a life for themselves is just as important as getting married. You will eventually have to accomplish this and getting a head start at this is awesome! (Whatever direction life has taken you is challenging and as long as it’s the right choice FOR YOU then HOORAY! If someone takes a different path than you choose to, GET OVER IT and look up the definition of word: free agency.)

#3- After you are married, you would assume that the world would tire of pestering you, but it won’t. They will begin asking about babies! You will hear questions like "When are going to start having kids?" and after that "When are you going to popping out another dozen? Your other twenty kids look lonely!"

 WARNING: To anyone who ever tries to weasel their way into my birthing schedule expect the neighborhood children to randomly show up at your doorstep for FREE BABYSITTING for a few days!

#4- WE DONT WANT CATS!!!!  Not now! Now ever! Not alive! Not stuffed!.... Stuffed cats.... If EVER anyone buys a single adult a stuffed cat for their twenty-first birthday because they believe that not even a cat should be subject to a life of such misery.  I vote that they should be sentenced to being chained to the floor, while wild serpents slither around them, without food for approximately twenty-one days.

FYI--- I have a meeting scheduled with President Obama later this month to talk about said proposition, I'll let you know what he says.

Monday, December 20, 2010

There is nothing I do better than REVENGE!!

This upcoming Tuesday is my Cosmetology's Christmas party. At this Christmas party we will be having a "White Elephant" gift give away. For a while I couldn't come up with any ideas for a gift UNTIL.... Friday. On Friday my very skilled instructor Roger insulted me, he insulted me in a bad way. Now he is my instructor so I cannot say anything rude back, nor can I behave as teenagers do in modern day films such as: MEAN GIRS, so I what I have done is Brilliant, classy, and can in no way be considered rude. I wrote some awful-ly funny DATING TIPS to give away at the white elephant game, that say they are written by Roger.  Here are my tips I wrote:

Dating Tips by Roger:
1-       When a young man asks you out on a date, be sure to get his home phone number (along with his cell phone number), it is important that you get this information so you can call his mom later that night, pretending to be the school shrink. You need to know what you are getting into, so be prepared to ask VERY personal questions, for example: Does “Ronald” still wet the bed?(If the answer is “Yes”, know that dating him will involve talking in “baby voices” from time-to-time and his mother being the third wheel on all of your dates.) Have you ever seen “Ronald” playing with Barbie’s? (If the answer is “Yes”, congratulations! You have just found your new gay BFF!) Have you ever caught “Ronald” with inappropriate videos or reading material? (If the answer is “Yes” be sure to cover yourself up on your first date, to insure that he likes you for you. I would also advise bringing pepper spray with you for now on.)

2-      After interviewing his mother you must stalk his every move on facebook of the last six months. You need to know who his best friends are (to see if you would rather date them instead), what his interests are (so you can pretend to be interested in the same things), and if he was in any relationships during those six months (it is very important to know if he has any emotional baggage before diving into things). If after these two steps you are still interested in this boy, facebook stalk his mom. Doing this may be helpful to finding baby pictures of him, allowing you to morph his and your pictures together to see what your future children will look like.

3-      When preparing for your night out with the possible  “prince charming” remember these three things: 1- Never shower the day of a date, men are hunters and enjoy smelling the natural aroma of women. (I am not saying that you shouldn’t wear deodorant, because you should, but you want to startle his senses, causing him to lean closer to you, and NOT throwing up in your lap.) 2- You have recently seen pictures of his mother on facebook, now copy the way she does her hair and make-up. This will make the young man feel natural around you, insuring a second date.) 3- Do not wear heals on the first date! I am sure you have watched “She’s the Man” (my favorite movie), in this movie you learn that “Heals are a man’s invention to keep women from running away and to make their butt look bigger.” This is true. There are psycho’s everywhere and you do not want to be unable to runaway, you must be able to protect yourself. Now regarding the “bigger butt” concept, on a first date you do not want to be considered a piece of meat or he will not take you seriously as a future girlfriend.)

4-      When he picks you up, be sure to have your dad or older brother there to open the door, carrying a loaded shot gun or a very sharp sword.  Be sure they say NOTHING to him but stare piercingly into his soul. (They are however aloud to nod and spit.) We want him to know that if he breaks your heart, your family will break him. (Doing this may seem risky, but I reassure you; if this young lad is worth a sack of beans, he will treat you like the princess you are. See also: “Cleaning this Gun” sung by Rodney Atkins.)

5-      Now, when you get to the car if this young boy does NOT open the door for you, turn around, march back into your house and say “Did you forget how to be a gentleman? Lets try this again.” He will walk back to your door, feeling like an idiot but his respect for you will be reaching the stars and believe me, he will never forget this, and will forever more open the door for you and his future dates.

6-      When you get into the car ask what the plans are for the evening. If he has plans, nod approvingly like a bobble head doll (this will show him your excitement and will remind him of baseball, the true American sport, proving to him that you are a true American girl, MEN LOVE THAT!) If he asks what you want to do, reenact the scene from “John Tucker Must Die” (My second favorite movie) by saying “What do you think I want? And don’t be wrong!” He will know right then that he is taking you to a five star restaurant and that you control the zipper in this relationship (which holds far more power than the pants).

7-       When having arrived at the restaurant, open your menu and begin scanning for the priciest meal there, once the meal is spotted, order it! You do this so he knows how classy you are. (The only drawback in doing this is that later that night you may have to “put out” this involves using tongue, NOTHING MORE! Also be careful that he does not order anything with garlic because you will be the one getting the second taste of it later). TIP: after eating be sure to check teeth for spinach, if you are lucky the restaurant will have free tooth picks at the front, be sure to grabs one.

8-      If your date involves any other activities after your meal, this is the time in the evening when you allow him to feel like he is in charge. You want to be as needy as possible! Constantly call him “Ronald-bear”, “Ronnie-boo” or “sweet cheeks”, he will eat it up! As you are pretending to be as helpless as possible be sure to trip a few times. If he doesn’t see you fall, be sure to lay there, acting unconscious.  The fact that he did not seeing you fall means he has something else on his mind and you want to have his full attention. You being injured will help, it will also make him feel as if he is your protector and men enjoy feeling like the leader of the pack.)

9-      On the drive home grab his hand and caress it playfully until you reach your destination. When he parks the care you may want to say something witty like “Your Biceps are huge! Kiss me!” (This line will work 99% of the time… I learned it from  the movie “House Bunny”) You do not want to be macking on this boy for very long because 1- Chances are your parents are watching, 2-You don’t want to get a hickey after the first date, and 3-No one wants to buy the cow if the milk is free! Bid the boy a swell evening and be sure to tell him “thank you”. It is also acceptable to mouth the words “call me” as he is pulling out of your drive way.

10-  Expect him to text you as soon as he gets home to flirt with you because he didn’t want the night to end. If he doesn’t don’t be let down.  Remember: Always play hard to get! The easiest way to do that is by texting him the next day saying “I have plans tonight with your best friend Bo and I can’t wait! …The only way I’d cancel on him is if you wanted to make out or something…” If for some reason you begin seeing him out with another girl, don worry! You still have his mother’s number! Block your number, call her up, and let her know her son is dating a skank. Sending him directly back into your arms!

       If you or any of your friends have any other questions my number is:  555-0539
Hope this helps--- Rog!